Motivation

Anyone who knows me real well knows that I can be slow-starting towards the whole having-lots-of-motivation thing. I am particularly reserved in most circumstances, and, typically, I am adequately satisfied with my involvement with my surroundings. I say adequately because, deep down, I want to be way more involved - way more "out there" or, in some cases, out-going. However, the motivation just isn't there. For instance, I would just love to be able to play the guitar. I mean, who wouldn't? I know I could learn it. I could. If I spent the time, I could eventually play it. But you know one key element that is required besides perseverance? Motivation. If I am not motivated, I will never sit down and begin the learning process.

Such is life. And, I would say in most cases, motivation doesn't come bursting through the door of our heart. Yet, I find myself often waiting for it to do just that. I find myself passively awaiting this transcendent attitude of full-fledged ambition to bubble up out of nothing. I know I could be better - I know I could live my life in a greater capacity (another way to put it would be to use my talents more often instead of burying them).

One obstacle I have pinpointed in this up-hill battle has been the big picture versus the little one. I have a lot of passions deep down that I really want to express. However, the passions are big. Don't get me wrong - I firmly believe we should dream big. But the biggest success stories always begin with small stories, and not all of them successes. Let me put it this way. It's like writing a huge research paper. The project seems really big at first, and the hardest part is often just beginning the stupid thing. If we are constantly preoccupied with how big the project is and how much work it involves, chances are we're going to procrastinate as long as possible. I know I have.

Apply that on a bigger scale. Look at life. I have been procrastinating this aforementioned life. As I grow older, it is beginning to dawn on me just how much responsibility I now have to live my life with an attitude of excellence. But the biggest problem is when we wait for our feelings to match our ultimate desires. I want to do ministry. I love it! But guess what? It involves work. It involves being reliable. It involves being punctual. And the real kicker is the fact that I just don't feel like it. And the longer I wait for the feelings of ambition to, as I said earlier, bubble forth, the more I procrastinate something much more important than a paper - my life.

What is the point of all this, you ask? All this time I have been waiting to feel motivated, but I need to have an ambitious attitude, not a feeling of ambition! Am I going to settle for less? Am I going to bury my talent and take a backseat as days go by? No! It's time for an attitude check. Feelings are great, but our attitudes shape our lives much more than our feelings do, and if we allow our feelings to do the shaping, well, our lives will be left relatively shapeless. Feelings are always temporary. Such is life.

In the last few days, I have realized that I have had the wrong attitude. I haven't felt motivated, and I was okay with that, which was the real problem. Something shifted. Instead of being preoccupied with the daunting view of the future, I have began to look at the much more manageable present - the here and now. I can feel the change in my mindset. I am not looking at things the same way. Take, for example, today. My roommates have asked me on several occasions to help them set up stuff for MorningStar (their job is to set up tables / chairs / whatever for events and such). I never have said yes. Why? I didn't feel like it.

My attitude has changed, however, and I started saying, "yes." Did I feel like helping set up chairs and such for hours? No. But you know what? It was great. It was fantastic. I got off my lazy butt and actually did some, gasp, service! Imagine that, service in ministry school. I even made an announcement today in class about trying to get people to help us take down all the stuff from the MorningStar staff party. I am not trying to make a big deal out of it, but to me, personally, it was a huge deal. Why? Not because I overcame some sort of fear of getting in front of people, but because for the past few months, even though I knew I had the ability to go up in front of people and say something, I was satisfied with less. I will just mind my own business, you know? The fact that I actively engaged and made a difference was like a breath of fresh air. I finally started some doing instead of a whole lot of fruitless thinking (and feeling). You know what else? We had a blast! A good number of people in my class arrived at 10:00 pm to help take down everything. What would normally take four hours or more only took two, maybe less. It was so much fun!

God really does know how to have a good time. Instead of waiting for the good feelings to come to us, let's actively engage ourselves and our attitudes to lead us to the fruition of life that may come in the most unlikely of places.

I will not be the servant who buried his talent.

Joy of the Lord

The joy of the Lord is incredible. It is real, it is tangible, and God's holding it out for us to accept. I had an absolutely spectacular encounter with the joy of the Lord a few weeks ago. It was so substantial, I definitely feel like I need to write it out.

It all started in one of our School of the Spirit services on Friday nights. We had some guest worship leaders there who have been involved with MorningStar, and, wow, let me tell you, that worship was indescribable. I wish I could put it into words, but I think Josh (another first year student) said it best as, "Man, that was a taste of heaven" (or something to that degree). As I am worshiping the Lord, I just get overcome with little bouts of laughing. Nothing too long or loud, just kind of giggling in the presence of the Lord. The message that night included testimonies from second year students' faith courses. It was great, but the night was going to get better.

We all have home groups, and each home group is assigned a particular Friday night to do prophetic teams after the School of the Spirit meeting. I had already done it once, and I loved it! The first time was a little rough at first, but, as I began picking up momentum in the Spirit, it turned completely around. This was my second time doing prophetic teams, and I was excited since I had already gone through the awkward trial run. As I am waiting at a table with some other first year students, I just get overcome with laughter over nothing but the reality of God. More on the reality of God later.

So, after an hour of prophetic ministry (with intermittent laughing from yours truly), I began to leave. As I passed the cafe, I saw around six other first year students chatting. I felt like God said at that moment, "Go pray for My joy to come on them." Well, at this point, it was 11:00 pm and I, in the flesh, was kind of ready to go back to the bunk. I walked out the door and began my way back. But God's commandment just sat there, tugging at my heart. After a night with so much connection with the Almighty, I could not resist! I turned around, and went back. Now, I mean, I am not that outgoing. It wasn't just that I didn't want to stay longer, I also didn't want to just randomly interrupt their conversation(s). But, I knew this was God's doing.

Like jumping into a pool for the first time in the summer, I just popped in their circle and told them what God had put on my heart. With literally no hesitation, they all made a connected circle.

Here's where the spiritual fireworks had their grande finale.

BOOM! As I am praying for these guys, the Holy Spirit is just moving so strong! I can't really tell you what the other people got out of it, not because I was self-focused, but because I was God-focused. Oh, Jesus, help me live my life this way!

The anointing for joy just began to flow as I prayed for others to receive it. At first, I began laughing just a little bit. Tee-hee here and there. However, as God continued to manifest, others began joining our group. The more people I prayed for, the more joy flowed out of me. I was absolutely wrecked with laughter. I mean, I laughed myself hoarse! I laughed uninhibited as my heart touched God's.

The reality of God is so incredibly amazing, that the only reaction we can have is the full extreme of whatever emotion He is moving on. This night, He was showing us His joy. When I looked at people, God let me see them how He saw them, and all I could do was laugh! Not because it was funny, but because it was so breath-taking.

It was one of the most legitimate experiences I have ever had. I continued to laugh and giggle all the way home.

We serve an awesome God.

Amen.

Aaaannnddd... I'm back.

As if I left? I kind of did. But, uh, not really. I just haven't had the motivation to write on here, hence the previous post. However, my motivationometer is showing a 20% increase in writability. I like to make up words, albeit lame ones at times, but hey, I can live with it. If I use letters in a form that successfully expresses my feelings and/or thoughts, then by definition the group-of-letters in question are, in fact, words. Let me put it this way. Writability? Not a word. Do you know what I'm talking about? Probably. Maybe not, but some of you do and that makes it a word; it's just not in the dictionary.

But enough about nothing. A lot has transpired since my last post(s). For one, I worked at Camp Saint Christopher again for the summer, and it was amazing. I am incredibly bummed that I cannot work there next summer, which leads me to my next great event in the life of Phillip...

I have moved to Fort Mill, SC for ministry school - namely, MorningStar University. The move itself has probably has nearly as much impact as the classes I am taking (so far, at least). I mean, I have never moved. So, coming here was quite daunting to me. I am not sure which is stranger, first moving into a strange new home, or getting to the point where you consider the aforementioned "strange new home" just simply... home. When I tell people I am going home, I mean Fort Mill now, not Charleston, and that just feels weird to me. But it's all good. I do miss Charleston, though, and I cannot wait to visit Saint James and such again.

I will write some more specifics about what is going on here later. Just figured I'd give some background as to where I am right now.

Oh, and I still work at Harris Teeter, just one up here. It's different, but the same. There's a lot of good people, and they do a few things a little differently, but I am blessed to have a job at all. There's a lot of people up here looking with little luck.

Finally, God is moving in incredible ways, and I will describe some of these awesome wonders later.

For now, good night. God bless.

Hi?

I just read my post below this, and I feel like alot has changed in a few months. ... I just lost interest in writing this.

The Fruits of Boredomidity

No, boredomidity is not a word. But you know what is a word? Sleeplessness. Granted, there are way too many e's and s's to be worth mentioning a second time, but there you have it.

In case you're still confused about my antics of confusion, I am bored and can't sleep. I read someone else's blog, and decided to make my own. Lord knows I have enough time on my hands to write one..

I'd make a long detailed post about my history or something substantial, but I think it's more fitting to just post whatever comes to mind in the random fashion my conscious mind is accustomed to. It speaks more to who I am, a sentimental parcel of ambiguity one hopes to clear through the course of days. I am not sure if that means something or not, but man it sounds cool.

I have a question to the general populace that may (or may not, as we're about to discuss) view this blog. Is the purpose of 'blogging', or rather, the fruition of its use, seen in the blogger or the blog-reader? Is the writing / journaling for me, or is it for my friends? I am not positive, but my intuition tells me that it's for me. It's to get my thoughts out. Most people aren't going to care about this. If they do, awesome, that means 1) you're bored or 2) I am important to you, or 3) a little of both.

That's my thought of the day.

As far as my life is concerned, there is barely anything worth mentioning. You learn how much school meant to your life when you stop going.

One more note. C.S. Lewis is a genious, and I LOVE his writing. I can't get enough of his books! They make your brain explode, and that's awesome! He's deep, way deeper than authors I am used to. Mere Christianity, Surprised By Joy, and Abolition of Man are the ones I have read so far, and they've been great! They are deep, though, and not an easy read by any means. I am currently reading Weight of Glory, and I hope to read Screwtape Letters soon.

Yay! First blog post. Woopie. Yippity-doo-da. Yippity-yay. My-oh-my, what a wonderful day! ... Plenty of sunshine, something something else.. yippity-doo-da, yippity-yay!

Yes, I am mildy ridiculous.